I have always found it quite hard to stick to things. When young, I was not one of those children who knew her mind. My parents would ask me, what is it you want to do? Do you want to be a doctor or an engineer or do you like the arts and i genuinely did not know or may be didn't care. Anything was ok.
So i am quite surprised to have found a passion at all, through this hobby of baking. I am surprised that i have stuck to it for 3 years now.. that's the longest i have pursued anything (apart from my profession (HR) and my marriage).
And now that i seem to have found it, I am often fearful of losing this passion. What if i wake up one day and feel i don't want to bake anymore? What a disaster that would be. But i guess it's natural to feel fear of loss for the things you love. And as my husband puts it, 'you feel fear because you love it. When you are really done with it, there won't be any fear any more, you will just let it go'. Makes sense, but i still am a bundle of nerves on and off.
I reached an epitome of this crazed frenzy last week when i had to build a three tier cake for a friend's daughter's first birthday. Initially i was quite excited about it, but almost broke into cold sweat when she told me the party was for 70 people! I had never baked for such a large group before, and here were my friends trusting me with such a large cake.
The 2 weeks when i planned and baked and finally delivered the massive cake were quite crazy. It seemed as if life just buzzed by.. between work and getting all the equipment and utensils and visiting a sugar craft shop in hampton court, reading cake books, net searches and baking the cake.. it felt as if i was wrapped in a bubble of nervous and excited energy at the same time.
Is this how passions are supposed to feel? I thought they only made people joyous and happy. I thought passions bring on peace within a person.. well not for me. I was more a bundle of energy.. positive and nervous all at the same time.
But in restropect, i feel, how you feel is a matter of personal choice (mind you, all these thoughts are in retrospect!). But being on the path of personal mastery of any kind is definitely a matter of choice. No one could have forced me to do this.. in the end i did it because i wanted to. Through the nervousness, through the visions of cake collapsing in front of those 70 people, i did it. I suppose, it would be worthwhile having more faith in myself and my passions.
It's quite weird how introspective i have felt after baking this cake. It will be interesting to see what happens to me the next time i bake a large cake, i will be watching me :)
But as of now, Aal eez well! and i feel like a date and walnut cake with a coffee icing.
